Lessons in Life: Once Upon a Time I fell for the Wrong Person….

Image Courtesy of depaul.edu

Most of us have had a Chris Brown…

The purpose of this piece is to reflect on the type of relationship that Karrueche Tran and Chris Brown had. One filled with dishonesty, infidelity, and betrayal. Truth be told thousands of women either had or have this type of relationship. I just use these two names in order to put a face on the type of relationship I’m speaking about.

A relationship where you are abandoned, misled and left with a broken heart. Truth is most women can relate on this level but it’s just not played out in public like Karrueche and CB. I should know…I was in this type of relationship myself. I was involved in a 3 year plus union with a man who I now realize was selfish and used the right words to manipulate me into thinking that much of his behavior was permissible all because he “loved me.”

Most women, myself included, believe the misconception that since “He won’t let me go, it must mean he loves me” – BULLSHIT!!! What’s even more perplexing is that him not letting you go doesn’t even have as much to do with you, as it has to do with him; Mind boggling right?

In the midst of battling the reasons whether they should stay in their relationship or if it is time to walk away, women find comfort in believing that the man must love them because he refuses to just let go. I’m not going to say that there are never instances where the man can’t love you, yes it’s possible, but we must look at those like the exceptions and not the rule.

A lot of times what is really happening is that you are too convenient. You are someone he can depend on, always reliable, always there. You are too beneficial to this man for him to dare let you walk away. He can break you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually but once all the dust settles there you are, waiting for his return, arms wide open.

You think I would have been smart enough to leave him when I discovered her went on vacation with another woman. Once I found out, he played the role of the apologetic ally, giving what I realize now were a bunch of bogus excuses to justify him going. I didn’t realize in trying to understand and be there for him, attempting to help heal years of emotional damage, I was allowing him to damage me. I was pushing my needs, my wants and my wounds aside in order to help heal his.

I believe there are a lot of misconceptions when it comes to this type of relationship. Why do we stay? Why do we allow this to go on for so long? Well because most of the time a woman will try to leave, a man will step his game up and do all these things that make us think, “Wait!! Maybe there is hope after all”. The truth of the matter is he would not wait until you’re ready to leave to finally step up his game. And this kind of man will step it up long enough to reel you back in but then it is back to the same old bullshit. If he actually loved you then his heart would weigh heavy on him when he knowingly and continuously brings you stress, unhappiness, pain, tears and hurt. A man who loves his woman cannot continuously watch his woman in suffer and be ok with it.

I wanted to show him how different I was from every other girl, how I would always be there for him and since I knew his history, he wasn’t going to get one over on me. How could I be so gullible? Well we were friends for well over a decade so I thought there was no way in hell he could do that to me. We had such an amazing friendship, he was handsome, charming, intelligent, built like a super hero, had a great job, ambition, goals and we could talk for hours and just laugh. We had inside jokes no one else would get and after being strictly platonic for years and always hearing people say, “How come you never dated? “, “You look so good together”, “I saw this coming from a mile away”, I thought to myself…. they must be right and I wonder why it took me so long to see it.

As a woman I should have trusted my intuition more because deep inside I knew this wasn’t right and I deserved more. Looking back I realized I stayed due to the fear of a failed relationship and being alone.

For me the game charger came when I found out he had a child; One that he denied to me directly for years. But you’ve heard the expression, “Everything in darkness will come to light.” Eventually I found out about the child and was able to prove it was his. It took years and years for him to stop denying it and even after confronting him, he never outright admitted it nor did he apologize. I couldn’t help looking at that face and thinking to myself, “If he could do this to his own flesh and blood, something he helped create, he would definitely have no issue with throwing me under the bus.” Oh did I mention I found out about the child on social media, just like Karrueche?

For one reason or another I felt like this was an important story to share; one from a regular woman who isn’t Karrueche, one that hasn’t had her story played out in public for everyone to see. One who has also been part of a love triangle and allowed herself to take a man back afterwards. It’s painful to admit out loud that you have been betrayed, lied to and made countless mistakes but as opposed to focusing on the negative, I rather focus on life after the violation. I was extremely embarrassed after the smoke cleared, after I realized what I allowed myself to be a part of. I picked up the pieces and listened to the wise words of the Dalai Lama “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.”

I can honestly say I don’t love him anymore, I don’t hold on to the I wish we could still be friends, I wish he could still be in my life because roughly 2-3 years after last speaking to him, I received a phone call from his second baby’s mother asking “Who I was” and trying to figure out “What’s going on with her man?”

Even though she was extremely polite, I could hear the insecurity in her voice, the lack of confidence in her relationship, her gathering clues trying to figure out what is truly going on? Funny as it may seem, I heard myself in her. I let her know that we didn’t talk anymore and that I had not seen him nor spoke to him in years. How did she get my number you ask? Apparently he tried to call me privately and I didn’t pick up. I let her know I wish her well and that I wasn’t a threat. I advised her to look for any traces of my number in his phone and delete it. I told her she would be doing us both a favor. Did I bash him no? I just decided to “let go and let God”. I wished her well on her search and ended the conversation.

Immediately after I hung up the phone, I thanked God for helping me dodge a bullet. By learning to love and appreciate ourselves, not only do we free ourselves from the chains that keep us in turmoil when a relationship ends, it also makes us more attractive to the outside world. In my personal opinion, God never gives us more than we can bear and no challenge is ever presented to us, if we are unable to handle it.

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